When The PERFECT will of God ain’t so perfect

For at least 4 years since returning to Michigan from L.A. , we have been praying for God to send us to the right church for our family.  I know some people who have been at the same church for 20 years.  I think that’s awesome and a true blessing to find the place where you belong and grow, serve, and persevere where you’ve been planted.

When I was 23 years old, I remember a woman of God whom I admire and respect but don’t often talk to, walking up to me and telling me that she felt that God was going to use my husband and I (my husband whom I hadn’t even met at that time) to travel and minister for years to come — sometimes planting churches, rebuilding music departments, and in some seasons being planted in specific churches for training and polishing.  She said we’d rarely feel at “home” for a long period of time.  But not to worry – this was a part of God’s plan.

This has literally been the description of the last 6 years of our life.  We’ve helped ministries get back on their feet, we’ve rebuilt a music department, we’ve trained and taught some vocalists and musicians, and we’ve been aching for a home.

In January we found that home.  In March I actively started serving in that home church.  In July I was asked to become one of the worship leaders.  And here I am in September…on bedrest….not able to attend let alone lead worship at the place that we call home.

Some might say , “Well , maybe it just wasn’t God’s timing yet.”

But, I know better.

It was God’s spirit that nudged me in March to stop using old hurts as an excuse and get active in the place where He was planting us.

It was God’s favor that nudged my worship pastor and led him to come to me and say that he recognized the anointing , understanding and heart of a worship leader on my life and wanted me to step up.  He was not aware of my previous experience as a worship leader or a minister of music at that time.

It was God’s timing that allowed me to get pregnant in this season.  We hadn’t been “trying”, but we hadn’t “not been trying” either.  And because we’d endured 2 miscarriages, and we already have 2 beautiful children, we’d decided and prayed that if we were to have any more children God would only allow it in  HIS TIMING. 

So here we are right smack dab in the middle of a season we know is God’s will, but it would seem unfair that now that we’re in it, things are not going as planned.

I’m on bedrest and for the time being cannot lead worship or be on my feet for a long period of time.  I’m used to teaching at least 4-5 vocal students per week , and its been 3 weeks since I’ve been able to teach voice lessons. I’m used to traveling 1-3 times a month singing background or doing studio work, and I’ve had to turn down those opportunities because of a pregnancy complication.

I was obedient.  I stepped out.  And now Im sitting on the sidelines.

Often times the perfect will of God ain’t so perfect.  His plan is perfect, but the circumstances He uses to bring his plan to fruition can be confusing, disappointing, and difficult.  God is not the author of confusion, but He can certainly use confusion along with any other life element to work for not only our good, but our best. 

I find encouragement in the word of God as I look at the story of Abraham , who was promised a son.  Upon receiving his promised son, God then asked Him to lay Isaac on an altar to be killed.  Abraham had no foresight to see that God would allow a ram in the bushes to be used as a sacrifice instead of Isaac.  Abraham simply obeyed.

I find encouragement in the word of God as I look at the story of Hannah, who was barren and unable to conceive a child.  Her husband loved her deeply, and his other wives made fun of Hannah because she could not bare children.  She wept sorely before the Lord and prayed desperately for a child.  God gave her a promised son; Samuel.  And when Samuel was weened, she left him at the temple to serve in the house of the Lord for all His days.  Hannah gave up the very thing she’d prayed for.

I even look at David, who was an unlikely choice, but nonetheless chosen to be king.  Yet, being God’s chosen also meant that he spent many days and nights running from Saul who was jealous of and hated him.  David had to hide in caves, go without food or water for days at a time.  Lived in fear of His life all because He was God’s choice.

I have a few promises that God has manifested in this season.  A church home.  An opportunity to serve in my church home.  And now, a baby.  I’m in a waiting pattern concerning all 3 of these manifested promises.  Waiting to see when I can go back to church.  Waiting to see if I’ll be able to lead worship again during this pregnancy, or if I’ll have to wait until next spring after the baby is born.  And I’m waiting on bedrest…..to see if this hemorrhage between my uterus and the placenta is going to dissolve on its own so that the baby I will no longer be in danger, and the remainder of this pregnancy will be healthy and care-free.

It’s hard.

I’ve cried.

People forget about you.

Sometimes I feel like I’m missing out.

It’s scary.

It ain’t so perfect.

But I have peace when I lay my head down at night because I’m in the perfect will of God. 

 

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