Faith VS Fear

For the 2nd time in 8 days, I found myself in the emergency room.

Bleeding. 

This time there were no tears or very many uncertainties.  There was one thing on my mind only.

I want to see my baby.

After a rather uncomfortable pelvic exam (seriously hate those), I was wheeled down to ultrasound.  The same sweet ultrasound tech; Marsha, was the tech on duty.  “Missed me, huh?” she said as the male nurse wheeled me into the room.  I smiled.  “Let’s get this baby on the screen so your mama’s hear can be at peace.”

Right away before she took any measurements or analyzed the various things going on around my uterus, she showed me my sweet baby. Alive and kicking…literally. 🙂 From that moment on it didn’t matter what my blood work results or ultrasound readings showed. My baby was alive and I was ready to deal with whatever came next.

This morning as I was reflecting on what happened last night and the moderately scary news the dr. gave me as I left; I thought about how different my disposition was this time as I waited in the lobby, waited for the ultrasound, and ultimately waited for the outcome.  The first time I went, I was overwhelmed with fear.  I was convinced that I was having a miscarriage.  I could not even fathom the possibility that the baby was okay because of the vast amount of blood I was losing.  It was fear that drove me to pray.

But because I had that experience once before….the bleeding, the not knowing, and even the fear, I was more equipped to deal with things this time.  I knew which tests to expect, which symptoms to look for, and I prayed because I knew God could keep the baby safe just as He had before.  

Often experience is the best teacher.  We may not enjoy the feelings and pressure that comes along with enduring a series of trials.  But each experience can groom us in ways “Sunny days and roses” cannot.  I found out last night that I am much stronger that I’ve been willing to accept.  My husband wasn’t able to get off of work due to the amount of time he has already taken off for our move in 2 weeks.  My big sis who would normally sit with me had my kids, and my sister who would’ve dropped everything to be with me is on bedrest at 21 weeks dealing with her own pregnancy complications.  The strength of God had already been fortified within me during the previous experience. 

I was reminded of this passage…..

….’because we know that suffering produces perseverance, character; and character, hope. And this hope will not lead to disappointment.  For we know how dearly God loves us, because He has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with His love.” (Romans 5;4-6 )

Suffering (experience) produces character.  And our character (which is fortified through experience) ultimately produces a greater hope.  The Holy Spirit is such an insightful teacher that His desire is not just teach us line upon line and principle upon principle.  He teaches us through experience.  He builds us through experience.  He shows us the love of Christ through experience.

This morning my experience has led me again to a place of unexpected growth.  Last week I was afraid, and in the midst of that fear I grew.  This week I am standing firm.  My muscles are a bit stronger and experience has birthed in me a deeper trust.

I will be on bedrest indefinitely and I’ll be forced to rely on a lot of people for simple things like cooking, laundry, and cleaning.  But I am totally dependent on a God who has all power and is unfailing.  My faith (through experience) is greater than my fear.

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