I didn’t expect to be tied to my bed and couch this weekend.
I was all packed for a weekend trip to Kansas City , MO to perform in a play I’ve been rehearsing for for weeks. After a nap I took a quick shower; all the while talking to the baby in my belly. As I dried off and began to dress, I felt it — blood running down my leg like a leaking hose. “Please God….no.” I said over and over and over again.
I can’t describe the crippling fear that overtook me as I raced to the hospital with my children in tow and my pants soaked with blood. “Please God…no” I whispered time and time again.
There was no peace when my sweet friend came to pick up my children and blew me a kiss through the lobby window as I sat waiting in a wheelchair.
There was no peace when my husband was stuck in traffic and I laid in the sterile bed gripping the sheets and mentally willing the bleeding to stop.
There was no peace when the sweet PA Megan said, “You’re not cramping. That’s a good sign”.
There was only peace when I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me….”All is well. ”
I didn’t know for sure that those words meant the baby was ok. I just knew God was with me, and I knew He would walk me through whatever came next.
Two days later ….I’m sitting here on my couch on bedrest.
The ultrasound showed a healthy, ACTIVE baby. And while we have no concrete answers for the origin of the bleeding, I’m thankful my baby is okay.
“Get some rest”. “Let people take care of you”. “Be still”.
I can’t tell you how often I ‘ve heard these phrases over the last few days. Quite frankly, it’s hard to be still when your husband is at work all day and you have 2 kids at home. It’s hard to get rest when you’re uncomfortable and no position eases the soreness. It’s disheartening to try to “let people take care of you” when no one is. Because the fact is…I’m on bedrest, but the world keeps on turnin’. My friends are busy with their families, rushing to soccer games, feeding their brood. Some are even working, and honestly some are in their own beds resting and enjoying a day off.
I may be bored, wishing for a visit, a vase of fresh flowers or a phone call from a particular person whom I haven’t heard from in over a month over a silly disagreement.
But I’m on bedrest…and the world keeps turnin’.
It’s not a cry for attention. It’s a head on head collision with reality.
We all care in different ways. Text messages have handicapped us and made us assume that sending a text carries the same weight as a hug or a visit.
And today I’m reminded that I’m just different. When my friends are going through something, I’m going through it with them. I’ll rearrange my schedule, drop my own children off with a sitter and put my needs to the side to be there for my friends without them having to ask. But that’s ME. And I can’t fault anyone for not being ME.
So it’s here on bedrest that I swallow the truth that I’m okay. I’m okay with my pile of books, my journal, netflix, and a pile of snacks nearby. I’m okay because when I was grasping for peace just 2 days ago…it wasn’t a human being that brought me peace….it was the unfailing love of God that carried me. And that love is here in this room with me now.
I’m on bedrest and the world keeps turnin’.