For the last 3 years, I’ve been waiting to say this.
I’ve known since the birth of my first child that I wanted to birth 3 children. Even when my husband and I were dating, we’d pray for our children….and there were always 3.
I was elated with unexplainable joy last Wednesday when those two bright lines showed up almost immediately on the pregnancy test. I smiled until my cheeks hurt. I sat on the bed with my hands covering my mouth whispering….”Thank you. Thank you God. ”
And just as quickly, I was overcome with fear. You see, I’ve miscarried twice. Once at home, holding the little fetus in my hands as it passed from my body. Another time last fall when I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I miscarried.
I’ve been overanalyzing every twinge, panicking when a symptom isn’t as dominant as it was in days prior,feeling anxious when my stomach tightens, and it’s exhausting. The truth is I don’t know what this pregnancy holds. I pray for this baby every single day. I try to stay positive every day. But I’m tired of gripping so tightly that I’m unable to enjoy the very thing I’ve been asking for and waiting for.
I’ve decided to let it be. Every day is a gift. I’m enjoying the cravings. I’m laying down when I just can’t go another further. I’m allowing myself to daydream about the sweet baby we’ll be holding and loving on in late March.
I’ve decided to just TRUST.
God is, has always, and will continue to be with me. Right now, thats the only certainty I need.