Let Me, Let Me Upgrade Ya

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There’s something so intimate about meeting with God in the morning. When the sun found it’s way through the small divide in our black out curtains and began to dance on my face, I knew it would be next to impossible to drift back to sleep.

It wasn’t ideal for me to be wide awake on a Saturday morning before 8. To make matters a bit more complicated, I haven’t been drinking coffee every morning as a pregnancy precaution. (I know, I know. Trust me ; my family wishes I’d get back in the habit. Turns out I’m a bear in the morning without it. ) Nevertheless; I rubbed my eyes, put on a hoodie , gathered my things, and headed towards the dining room table. It is not easy and only of God’s goodness that this morning I desired spiritual food more than and prior to eating natural food. I”M PREGNANT!!! I am ALWAYS hungry. But it’s deeper than that. I have been consumed by life this entire week; making time to pray only in the car or shower, and using a brisk overview of scripture in the morning to count for quality time with God. It’s not that I don’t love Him. It’s not that I don’t find my time with Him necessary and fulfilling. It’s the human nature in me that tells me “I’m ok”, when I know I’m not. It’s the weakness of my flesh that pulls me to isolation and worry instead of running to the place of refuge ; God’s presence.

I think that’s why the most recent “She Reads Truth” study of Hosea grabbed my attention.

This morning as I began to read over the first few chapters of Hosea, I immediately thought back to a “conversation” I had with the Lord just this week. A conversation in which I half apologized for being so caught up in my current trials and justified my distance with, “There’s so much going on right now”. A conversation in which the Lord challenged the very heart of my current issues and spoke to me, “You don’t believe I will, I am, and I do.” Believe that He will do what needs to be done. Believe that He is able to work it all out despite the roadblocks and delays that have made this such a time sensitive season in the first place. Believe that “I do”…..that He does love me. Hear me out on this. I know He loves me in the “For God so loved the world that He gave Jesus” type of way. But He loves everybody in that way. He loves and loved ALL of us enough to give Jesus up as our sin that we could be in right relationship with God again. It’s the same promise available to us ALL. But sometimes I struggle with God’s love for KELLI. For everything good thing about me, I can think of 2 things that aren’t so good. And while there are some wonderful things growing, changing and opening up for me (and my family) in this season…there are also some things falling apart in front of my very eyes. I feel like shouting….”IF YOU LOVE ME SO MUCH WHY CAN’T THINGS JUST FALL PERFECTLY INTO PLACE FOR ONNNNNNCCCCCEEEEEE!!!!????”

The very first time God spoke to Hosea, he gave him a COMMAND. The very beginning of Hosea’s prophetic ministry was marked by a command to marry a promiscuous woman and have disobedient children with her. Say, WHAT? The very conception of Hosea’s obedience to God was directly tied to his willingness to accept’s God’s truth even though it put him in the vulnerable position to be laughed at, hurt and even betrayed. I’m not currently being laughed at, hurt or betrayed (not to my knowledge ), but I am in a vulnerable season. Homeschooling begins officially in just a few days. It will be my primary responsibility to educate my children at least 5 days a week. When preparing for coming together in the morning to discuss the word of God and His principles, I find myself nauseated while reflecting. How can I teach my children about faith when my faith is weak? How can I teach my children about the fruits of the spirit when my fruits are usually only activated after a cup of coffee? How can I teach them about God’s provision when I’m currently looking at next week’s grocery needs and our bills PLUS the fact that we’re moving, and it all looks a bit like THE RED SEA? The very beginning of this new season is marked with the audacity of God asking me to TRUST HIM when I am up against a multitude of situations and needs!

After gathering myself and continuing to read, I found this passage and decided it will be my mantra for this season.

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Maybe this doesn’t mean much to you. But, to me; it’s everything. This is the absolute depiction of an upgrade. From the mistress of a fake, demonic, deity to the wife of a an Almighty, Champion and one true God. From obligatory service to passionate love. From an illusion to the Truth. GOD IS MY HUSBAND. He is betrothed to me in faithfulness. And though my heart may stray, He remains the same.

Let that sink in.

One of the most liberating aspects of this walk as believers is the joy that comes with rediscovering the very truth of God’s love. While His love produced a sacrifice for us ALL, it invites each of us into a relationship that is not general or all inclusive. It’s personal. It’s love that confronts the worst of us and says, “I still love you”.

This morning I cannot begin to imagine what life was like in the Old Testament before Jesus. I would’ve never been able to live up to the precision of the law. It is of God’s grace that I am able to seek Him this morning with all my questions, inconsistencies and needs. GOD IS MY HUSBAND, my champion and steward. I am no longer a mistress, but a wife. The ultimate upgrade.

Just Trust

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For the last 3 years, I’ve been waiting to say this.

I’M PREGNANT.

I’ve known since the birth of my first child that I wanted to birth 3 children. Even when my husband and I were dating, we’d pray for our children….and there were always 3.

I was elated with unexplainable joy last Wednesday when those two bright lines showed up almost immediately on the pregnancy test. I smiled until my cheeks hurt. I sat on the bed with my hands covering my mouth whispering….”Thank you. Thank you God. ”

And just as quickly, I was overcome with fear. You see, I’ve miscarried twice. Once at home, holding the little fetus in my hands as it passed from my body. Another time last fall when I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I miscarried.

I’ve been overanalyzing every twinge, panicking when a symptom isn’t as dominant as it was in days prior,feeling anxious when my stomach tightens, and it’s exhausting. The truth is I don’t know what this pregnancy holds. I pray for this baby every single day. I try to stay positive every day. But I’m tired of gripping so tightly that I’m unable to enjoy the very thing I’ve been asking for and waiting for.

I’ve decided to let it be. Every day is a gift. I’m enjoying the cravings. I’m laying down when I just can’t go another further. I’m allowing myself to daydream about the sweet baby we’ll be holding and loving on in late March.
I’ve decided to just TRUST.

God is, has always, and will continue to be with me. Right now, thats the only certainty I need.

“Look Ma, No Kids!”

I spend most days with my 2 kiddos.
We play board games, create ice cream sundaes with play-doh, and venture to the park, splash pad or bookstore quite regularly.
They’re a quirky bunch.
They have 2 imaginary friends that seemingly show up every we go, and conveniently are at fault when they get into mischief.
I love them, and I love being their mom.
But, there comes a time when I crave either adult conversation or the solitude of my own company. {Usually, the latter}.

Last Sunday my sweet husband suggested I get out of the house and enjoy some alone time. YAHTZEEEEEEEE!!!!

Lofts, glorious lofts

Lofts, glorious lofts

I decided to venture to an area I used to live close to called “Royal Oak”. I love it’s varied shops, eateries and cultured vibe. I walked the streets enjoying each building I passed. I remembered sweetly the time my husband and I looked at these lofts when we were just engaged. We loved imagining that we’d buy one and spend our days writing songs with the balcony door open. TUH! 4 months after we were married we were expecting, and it was evident a studio loft would’ve been thee absolute worst option for a growing family.

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Next I stopped by a small Greek cafe’ specializing in gyros, tomato & feta salads, and the most divine baklava. 20 minutes…savoring each bite…with no interruption. Glorious.

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I stopped by a theater that only promotes indie films. I decided on BOYHOOD. For 12 years this movie features the same actors as they venture through a rather normal plot, but from varied perspectives. The concept was brilliant. The acting was boring. I was entertained nonetheless.

I went home feeling refreshed, and feeling slightly guilty for having such a great time. 🙂

Tell me moms & dads….how do you spend your free time?