I Was Beginning to Wonder…….

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I’ve been in a struggle this week.

It’s not the first time. When I am physically tired, my mind and spirit have a tendency to follow closely behind.

I’ve been struggling, and my struggle left me tangled, weary and asking hard questions.

My struggle was not IS GOD REAL?

I know the answer to that.

I knew He was real when I held a broken fetus in my hands 6 years ago. 

I knew He was real 2 weeks later when I finally came outside of  the cocoon of disappointment and grief I’d snuggled into. I walked outside into the sunshine, opened my arms and laughed. He was there. 

He was real when we drove to California and the majestic Colorado Rockies declared His name. 

He was real when I had to wear the same black dress to church every week.

He was real when I gave everything I had in church, and someone walked up to me afterwards and handed me $100. 

No….that I’ll never question.  I know God is real.

But I was beginning to wonder if  I was real to Him.

 

I thumbed through the pages of my journals, and it seemed that a great deal of the pages were filled with prayers I’d prayed more than once. A lot of the prayers I’d prayed for others had been answered. Just this week I received 2 baby shower invites from friends I’ve prayed with over the last 3 years after multiple miscarriages and health challenges. {I told you….He’s real}.  Prayers for provision and financial intervention had been answered with stuffed envelopes, paid off debts and surprise increases. But my prayers….my prayers for my husband, my family, my dreams….lay unanswered. Just words.

My heart was stirred as I read through notebooks filled with revelation and mysterious revealed after reading God’s word.  I loved looking back at passages that came to life through prayer or early morning reading.  Lyrics of songs unfinished, poems and stanzas telling our love story ; revealing my heart for Jesus despite my imperfections.

I was beginning to wonder if what I thought we had was real.  Was He really in love with me the way I’d fallen in love with Him?

 

In my rather ordinary , but busy life; I often need a break.  Just an hour or two by myself to regroup and recharge. I have a dear friend whose got the sweetest backyard filled with trees, a barn, a hammock and in the spring & summer, beautiful flowers and a vegetable garden.  She’s got 4 children and her yard is also often scattered with remnants of their latest adventure…which I love. They were out of town this week and she suggested I relish in the quietness of her backyard when time permitted, even though they weren’t home.  I took her up on that offer.

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Coffee on the ground to my right.  Scarf swept over my head and neck. Blanket behind my head as a pillow.  Book on my lap.

The sun began to warm me.  The birds sang to one another and I listened in. Their song carried me away , and I rested. I was eager to read my book but I was so enraptured by the joyful melodies the birds sang. While lying in the hammock an airplane flew right over me. Although I knew it was thousands of miles away, I reached up and followed its trail with my finger. Further out in the yard 2 squirrels chased each other up and down a tree.  I laughed at their folly.

I rested.

As the time drew near for me to leave…I laid down my book, and began to pray.

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My prayer was sacred.

I prayed about the wonder….

I prayed about the future…

I prayed for strength….

I prayed to do more for His name’s sake…

I prayed to be a better wife & mother…

and I prayed these words…

“Show me.  I need to know that you’ve heard me TODAY.  I need to know that you see me, and you love me.

I took a few more deep breaths, lifted my face towards the sun and heard a still small voice say “Look”.

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Walking through the yard were three deer.

They hadn’t made a single sound to make me aware of their presence.

All three looked at me and as the tears feel, I snapped this picture.

 

I was beginning to wonder…..but now I know. 

This might not be the last time I wonder.  Life has a way with it’s illusions and hardships. It attempts to scream loudly over the still small voice of the Savior.  But He spoke today, and He’ll remind me again…

I hear you. I see you. I love you. 

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One thought on “I Was Beginning to Wonder…….

  1. I don’t know if its just a season, a test or what, but I too have been wondering. There’s confirmation all around, but I find that I am still waiting to see the end of my faith.
    I’ve also seen that there are many, many like us, in this same season of wondering. When I sought The Lord about it He told me “I will remember you.” And I saw the many times in scripture it reads, and The Lord remembered Noah, Hannah, Rebekka, etc. and I took comfort.
    Thank you for sharing this beautiful post.

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